[Motherhood Interview] Mama Story - Transitioning to a Stay at Home Mom with Maris Young
Updated: Feb 25, 2020
Marriage, motherhood, and modern home economics... I'm so excited to introduce you to Maris Young from Young Honest Mother! Listen to our conversation all about Maris' transition from a career-oriented to stay-at-home mom and what that transition and experience were like, as well as what she struggled with and lessons learned.
Maris Young is a wife and mother who craves authentic connection. She created Young Honest Mother to bear the torch for conversations surrounding all things marriage, motherhood and modern home economics. In all honesty. Unnerved by the unspoken, Maris offers a welcoming space for people to share what their experiences have really been like. As well as sharing thought-provoking blog posts about meaningful topics, Maris hosts Young Honest Mother: The Podcast to feature heart-to-heart conversations with everyday women who are courageous enough to share their own stories. She also chats with industry truth-tellers far and wide who aren’t afraid to tell it like it is. And in doing so, Maris sets out to inspire and empower others to start honest dialogues in their own communities.
Connect with Maris:
podcast: Young Honest Mother: The Podcast
[2:20] Meet Maris! Her story and background
- Put milestones on her life: getting a good job, having a house, having a savings account, etc
- A lot of emphasis on education and career when she was growing up. All about studying and trying to climb corporate ladders and seeking external validation.
- When she got pregnant, Maris did not think it would change much of her work life... she would have the baby and things would go back to how they were.
[7:00]: Would ask women in her community: What should I know about motherhood?
1. It will be wonderful! You'll love the newborn phase!
2. Ehhh, check back with me after you have the baby, I don't want to scare you.
[7:50] 6 weeks of maternity, which went very quickly. Scrambled to find child care for Milo, Maris' son. Not able to slip back into career persona : everyone was acting like she was the old Maris when she just wanted to scream "I JUST HAD A BABY! This is all so trivial!"
[9:00] When Milo was 9 months, she discovered she could not continue on doing both. Not asking for help, not even conceding she needed help.
[10:20] Idealized her mom who was a wonderful stay-at-home mom who did arts and crafts and created an inviting home
[10:35] Was the initial postpartum period hard or just totally different than what you were expecting?
- The first 9 months were hard in retrospect because she was so out of it.
- In fact, her mom and sister-in-law sat her down (on two separate occasions without coordinating) because they were worried about her.
- Didn't feel it in the moment because she was in survival mode
[12:10] How was the transition from working to being at home?
- Another time Maris had idealized... thought staying at home 24/7 was going to be a dream, which it was in a lot of way being there for milestone moments, but no preparation for how mentally and emotionally exhausting spending your time with an infant/toddler can actually be.
- Right now, Maris stayed at home with Milo for nearly 2 years. Each day is a canyon of time to fill to keep him entertained, but also facing challenges of him being 2.5 and he is experiencing and expressing big emotions, which is triggering emotions in Maris.
[15:00] Actually reparenting herself on a daily basis... experimenting if you 'have' to keep emotions to herself: grew up with very different conditioning. Feeling so much more than ever allowed herself to feel before. Learn to slide the lid to the side and allow that energy to leave.
[17:30] Wasn't expecting to learn so much from her son... not that he is actually meaning to teach, it's been very transformative. Going through a grieving process right now too.
[19:00] Flow in and out of periods of time of facing big feelings and emotions
[20:15] Asking for help: were you consciously not asking for help?... what was the scenario?
- Not conscious... so much going on that asking was going to just take more time and energy, it was going to "slow me down"
- Didn't REALLY hear mother and sister in law, and Maris was already considering leaving her job when they approached her.
- Pumping full time, working full time, main person cooking/cleaning and trying to stay on task at work while also working a part-time
- Type 3 enneagram - the achiever!
[23:30] Were you avoiding anything and filling your plate?
- Not avoiding necessarily, but had not processed everything (the birth, the transition) seemed to go so fast especially being only on maternity leave for 6 weeks
- Wasn't having honest conversations with people who were around. These conversations (both videos and Maris' podcast) would have been so helpful to have the solidarity.
[25:45] Making to-do lists and checklists for motherhood and life! Don't treat your life like a job.
- Chore charts, activities, etc... but it's amazing how 8 hours can go by and you still haven't finished that one load of laundry!
- Being a mother, just the state of being, is so valuable.
- Thought there were things to "do" in order to prove she was a valuable mother and contributor to the household... which lead to feeling bad about herself.
[28:00] Left job because she felt like in 5 years, Maris would look back and regret all the times that were not spent with her son. Come back to the original WHY.
-Just a mother's presence is enough.
[30:00] How has it been transitioning to working on Young Honest Mother?
- If you share in the motherhood space and wanting to help people by sharing, some people may feel personally attacked because they were doing it differently... which is so easy right now with social media... because "so and so" said "this is the way."
- Grow into knowing there is no one right way to do things. We have to come up with an approach that feels right for us as individuals, feels right for our family unit and our child or children.
- Energy to work on products would cause perpetual friction and frustration.
- How to balance all she wanted to do during naptime and wasn't seeing the progress that she wanted, but finally had an honest conversation with husband.
- Finally let go of expectations and realized that not everything is permanent... let's see how "this" works for us right now.
- Milo goes to a Montessori program 2 days a week and now Maris has dedicated time to work on what she's passionate about.
[36:30] Having time alone as a mom is such a big thing! It doesn't have to be an income-producing activity, just exhale!
[38:30] How to treat yourself with grace now?
- Allowing herself to be who she is! It's important to have these conversations and resources for other moms to interact with to see other experiences, but keep in mind YOU are your own person.
- Don't beat yourself up if you are not the same as how someone else "does" motherhood. We ALL have our strengths!
- Get out of meme mom mode on social media.
Connect with Maris:
podcast: Young Honest Mother: The Podcast